For starters, the guitar riff 3:19 into the classic Meatmen cut, “Centurions of Rome” could have been a chart-burner in modern rock a-la 5-7 years ago.

For those not familiar with the band, The Meatmen, it’s basically a ranting madman along with Brian Baker (Badger Legion, Minor Threat), Lyle Preslar (Minor Threat, A&R dude for major labels) and some dudes with a million nicknames (don’t worry, he’ll tell you most of them on the album “We’re the Meatmen, And You Still Suck!!!”. Kind of a metal-sounding parody of the hardcore punk scene of the early-to-mid-1980s. I was listening to listening to a good deal of crap metal at the time they were around, so you think they’d be on my radar, but apparently not!

Apparently people actually think this band is non-ironically cussing out foreign people, lesbians, and Morrissey but also in a round about way conducting homosexual stage antics and picking fights with rednecks. So is the enigma of this band.

And so is the enigma that is this life.

The Meatmen – “Centurions of Rome”

Albums that are most influential in my life aren’t necessarily my favorite by an artist — but I always hold them dear to me in a way that maybe makes them more important. Sometimes it’s their place in time, sometimes it’s their place in MY time and sometimes they’re just so god damned brilliant they’re timeless. And just like the sand through the hourglass, these are the albums of my life.

A followup to the….uh….following:
Albums of My Life: Part Uno

Kid Dynamite – Kid Dynamite
It was about 9 years ago that I drove to Chicago to deliver our dog Sam to my sister, Bridget. When we got in the car Mitch held up an album: It was Tenacious D. He’d just finished forcing me to watch the show (funny indeed!) which he obtained on bootleg VHS (courtesy of the internet but still delivered on an antiquated medium) and now it was time for the album. Adam, Peter and myself were skeptical — but before we knew it, we were into Wisconsin singing songs about Dio.

Stop 1: Perkins. For coffee. Adam took fucking forever to eat per usual. Mitch and I drank a pot of coffee each (this seemed like a wise thing to do even though we were going to be in a car for several more hours) and Peter got a muffin.

Stop 2: Castle Wal Mart. This is a Wal Mart with a moat. If you ever needed proof Wal Mart is evil and planning something, this is the smoking gun you’ve been looking for. This is a business ready for chaos to errupt, fall into the Dark Ages and live in a time that necessitates having a moat if you have great wealth. Mitch and Peter bought supposedly pizza flavored crackers along with some whale flavored crackers (this is what I was told…but they looked similar to those goldfish crackers to me). Neither tasted as advertised.

Stop 3/4/5/6/7: Various record stores in Madison. I’d heard Kid Dynamite many times before but never a full record. Other than having an entire Mutant Pop section in the store, this place also had Kid Dynamite. So I bought the record on whim. It ruled hard: fast, melodic hardcore music that rounded out my complaint about Lifetime — the vocals.

Stop 8: Chicago — Wicker Park specifically. My sister’s friend Heather was on tour and Bridget was with. We met my sister for like 5 minutes and handed Sam off. Then we headed back. We’d already had too much adventure and Tenacious D was waiting in the car. Plus, I had to get back to listen to this fucking LP!

Samiam – You Are Freaking Me Out
I first heard Samiam during my formative punk rock years. Mitch took a leap of faith and bought the newest album by them. I saw the printing on the CD and uttered nothing more than “Famian….?” We eventually came to the concensus that the album wasn’t good. Then someone robbed the house we both lived in and stole his CD wallet (must have contained 500 CDs). All he had left was a few CDs he left out of his collection because he never listened to them. I got in his car one day and he said, “You know what’s awesome? Famian.”

I think pretty much the entire house got into this album because we listened to it so god damn much after that. And one can see why: the vocals have range while still remaining punk rock, the guitar riffs could easily be described as “soaring” and the general construction of each song, while pretty simple, contains what I would call “transplendent” hooks. You’ll be powerless to resist singing along.

Sleater-Kinney – One Beat
I just remember finally getting SK’s entire discography after hearing this. It all made sense after singing along with “Combat Rock” in a Honda Civic. My girl at the time just couldn’t understand my love of this album. “You guys always like the weird albums by bands” is what she said about this album. I’m pretty sure us shrieking along with the vocals on “Combat Rock” had something to do with her opinion of how supposedly weird this album was.

The Streets – Original Pirate Material
I was really depressed after a girl broke up with me and it was this an Atmosphere’s Lucy/Ford LPs that got me through. There’s nothing particularly important about the content on the albums other than I felt that hip-hop cheered me up. It did for sure. I sorta felt that hip-hop to me at this time was more of a celebration of life than most of the rock music I was listening to was. Plus, a cockney accent means you’re at least a little punk rock. And hey, you’re a hit at a party if you’re able to recite the following:

“Verbally slapped up / physically tip-top / spinally ripped up / I do the science on my laptop / and I get my boys messed up.”

SNFU – FYUBALA
I went to Portland to look at schools. I was running an Hotline punk rock MP3 server at the time. So I met up with some Portland kids and we drove out to Salem to see a basement show — listening to this album all the while. I’d heard of SNFU before but never listened to them. By the time he shrieks at the end of the first track, I was sold. Then I watched everyone eat pizza.

The Mr. T Experience – Revenge Is Sweet, And So Are You
When we were both young pups living in Melrose, Mitch and I would hang out in his room, smoke Kools, eat frozen pizza and listen to punk rock. One particular ritual we had was piling up all the meat I wouldn’t eat (I was vegetarian at this point) on the last slice up pizza and cueing up MTX’s cover of “On Foggy Mountain Top” while Mitch attempted to consume that much meat at one time without getting sick. You knew the buzzer was coming when the yodeling starts.

None More Black – Loud About Loathing
Mitch was on tour with O Pioneers!!! and Fake Problems. They played Saint Cloud first followed by Minneapolis. Everyone from the bands (in accordance with most guests) commented on how I shoot porn in my bathroom. Mitch stayed behind to hang out (awesome!) and we were to the Triple Rock to see None More Black. I had their first album which I was lukewarm on, but he assured me that the new EP rocked much more (it did/does). It’s definitely more melodic than Kid Dynamite (Jason’s previous band) but Jason’s stellar voice is still intact along with his ability to craft irresistible hooks. As far as the show goes, I can’t tell you anything about it — Mitch and I only recently recalled that we actually went to a None More Black show that night. Mitch+Patrick+Bar+Mitch being on vacation for 5 days in MN=Memento. Solve for drunk.

Modest Mouse – This Is a Long Drive For Someone With Nothing to Think About
I asked Stu what a good Modest Mouse album was — he said this one. I got it and instantly I recognized the bassline from “Dramamine”. I had resisted listening to the band for a lot of years for no other reason than sheer stubbornness. This is what I would consider their most accessible non-International Mega Stars album. It still has Issac Brock’s unique touch of insanity and their ability to craft pop gems from some of the most fucked up sounds is pretty unique.

I got into the band pretty late, but everyone had interesting stories about this album for me. My story? Erin and I were driving to the Casino listening to this. She mentioned she hadn’t listened to it for a while. Then, for the first time, because of my automobile’s premium sound system, she heard something that sounded like Calvin Johnson doing backup vocals on a track. I had no fucking clue who that was. I was then told of tales of how a lot of dudes are obsessed with him. This didn’t sit well with Erin because she, in a lapse of judgement, got a Calvin Johnson tattoo. I actually like the tattoo a lot.

NOFX – So Long and Thanks For All the Shoes
Not my favorite NOFX album (it’s close) but I consider it their last good release. It’s fast, catchy, semi-political punk rock — just what you expect from NOFX. Plus, they do a bunch of songs with horns without apparently caring how flavor of the week it sounded (but it’s still good, yo). Plus, whenever I put on side one of the record, someone will always inevitably say “I think you’re supposed to play the record at 33 RPM.” This taught me the truth about vinyl. It cost me $7.99 (new!), it’s mastered differently than the CD version (better if you ask me) and it has alternate versions of two tracks (both superior to the CD versions). Now that’s another juicy taxicab confession.

Albums that are most influential in my life aren’t necessarily my favorite by an artist — but I always hold them dear to me in a way that maybe makes them more important. Sometimes it’s their place in time, sometimes it’s their place in MY time and sometimes they’re just so god damned brilliant they’re timeless. And just like the sand through the hourglass, these are the albums of my life.

Propagandhi – Less Talk More Rock
I’d say this album is critical in my political awakening as a teenager. The arguments made herein are so compelling, you’d pretty much have to be a bigot or a sociopath not to be convinced or at least forced to examine the forces around you. The essays in the liner notes really bring liner notes to a whole new level — the lyrics were there, of course, but it was the essays that took it up a notch. It said, “Here — This is why you should give a shit about all of these things we’re writing songs about” with no pretention at all. Even if you didn’t agree with all said in the essays (although, I have to say, they’re so eloquently argued that it’s hard not to agree), it certainly was an introduction to thinking critically in a relatively uncritical world.

Dillinger Four – Midwestern Songs of the Americas
This album proved to me that Minneapolis would eternally be the epicenter for punk rock in my life. I didn’t live in the MPLS at the time, but it was at that point I decided that I would one day. Dillinger Four didn’t make Minneapolis look cool — but they certainly gave me a tremendous amount of faith in Minneapolis’ ability to produce loud, fast, utterly essential punk rock. Propagandhi has eloquent messages. Dillinger Four makes catchy, humanist, effortlessly cool punk rock where way more is going on than you realize. Just listen to “OK DOA FM” (the opener) on a good set of speakers and you’ll hear some amazingly inventive guitar work that you perhaps shall never hear again. Oh, and shit, the way they alternate between vocalists is just really the most amazing example of collaboration I’ve ever heard. Don’t even get me started on the brilliant interludes….

Mos Def – Black on Both Sides
More like “Funky, Profound and Black”. Every single track here is a keeper (even “Rock and Roll” grows on you!). Political statements about overpopulation, water contamination and us as a nation mixed with realistic stories of love (let’s just say realism is neglected in the club scene) make this absolutely essential no matter what kind of music you listen to on the daily.

Jay-Z – The Black Album
Along with “Illmatic”, this gave me faith in mainstream hip-hop to produce something relevant. And more than anything, it allows me to constantly confound the masses. When I pull out this LP at a party, the phrase “A vegan that listens to Jay-Z?!” is usually uttered.

Lifter Puller – Fiestas Fiascos
Have you ever been to a party? How about a Lifter Puller party? How about a Lifter Puller dance party? You know, the kind of party where everyone gets a little tipsy, starts a dance line and maybe crowd around one person at one point while he barks the lines (complete with a one act play) while they bark them back? You’ve never been to one of these kind of parties? Well, get on it man!

Metallica – …And Justice For All
I listened to a lot of metal as a child. Mainly because Metallica existed and told me I had to get out there and experience it (metal, that is). I had cool sisters. This shit was so fast and so thrashy that nothing really ever (until recently…peep the newest Propagandhi, yo) measured up. Holy shit there’s no bass at all on this album!

Green Day – Dookie
I bought this album when I was a young pup. Me and my friend Chris went to Davanni’s pizza (“I heard [he] used to eat meat when he was a kid — hypocrite.”) and my parents gave me “Dookie” for my birthday. I was kinda on the fence about these guys up to this point, but once I got the album, I realized they speakith the truth. I also remember when I got this album my sister Bridget’s friends going into great detail that it (like many other punk rock albums of that day) were great listens for about a week and then totally disposable. I’m ten years old, gimme a break! They were worse than right…..they were wrong.

Hot Water Music – A Flight and a Crash
Once I heard this album, the rest of HWM’s discography just made sense. Angular, fast, heavy, gruff style of melodic punk rock that will never be done better by anyone other than them. I would almost dare to call this album “aquatic” in how it’s mixed. Plus, fuckin’ Brian Baker plays “additional guitars” on the album — and his signature is all over this shit.

Against Me! – Reinventing Axl Rose
The first time I saw AM!, Mitch wanted to go enough that he (significantly poorer than me or our friend Adam) paid our admission to their show at the Babylon — I think the total cost was $12. But sure as we’re standing here, the show was maybe one of the top best things to ever happen in my life. Imagine a white-hot radiator in the corner (that you keep running into) and a sea of swaying, already drunk, singin’-every-word bike club kids — AND US! From that day forth, the album just made too much fucking sense.

Scared of Chaka – Crossing With Switchblades
This album is my favorite by “The Chaka” but holds no real significance in my life beyond just generally ruling and them playing the best show I’ve maybe ever seen in support of this album. Just, loud, indecipherable garage/punk rock that will never be done like this again. Mitch and I saw ‘em at the 7th Street Entry and they played a song about dragons. Seriously.

Jawbreaker – 24 Hour Revenge Therapy
Blake Schwarzenbach makes it cool to be a writer. This is a defining album in my life more in how wide open and uncertain my life was when I first heard it. I feel like this is the vibe this album gives off, and I think the band would agree. His snapshots of lone and domesticated life are just entirely too insightful — almost painful at times. But it’s never sad what he’s saying. Enough about the writing — all the music being played is just so masterfully crafted. Each band member compliments the other perfectly. Great drum fills, unheard of guitar tone, rapid bass lines and masterful production (oh, sorry Mr. Albini, engineering….) make this an album no band influenced by Jawbreaker will ever be able to measure up to.

Kanye West – The College Dropout
This proved to me that hip-hop was more about guns, liquor, weed and women. My jaw dropped when I heard this. Soul samples (which automatically makes it reminiscent of my youth), humorous — but not cheesy — lyrics, self-awareness and the statement that hip-hop can be whatever you want it to be. Preach on, brother Beavis.

Brother Ali – Shadows on the Sun
Can a MPLS hip-hop album be one of the best of all time? It sure can. Can it also embody so many different, seemingly conflicting attitudes? Hell yes.

El-P – Fantastic Damage
El Producto isn’t punk rock — but it would be hard to tell on paper. His snapshot of the United States’ “consensus” is just an amazingly ironic portrait. But his trick is that some of his audience isn’t already total believers. Political hip-hop, even some of the classic political hip-hop statements, with never be as expertly articulated as this.

De La Soul – 3 Feet High and Rising
Again. Cool sisters. Dope album. This was from a simpler time for hip-hop, but the D.A.I.S.Y. age still took a lot by surprise. Not me, however, I was still young and innocent. Nothing better than hanging out with Ross and trading lines off of this. At it’s worst, it’s got that going for it!

Beastie Boys – Check Your Head
This was instrumental (along with RHCP’s “Blood, Sugar, Sex Majic” and Jane’s Addition’s [that's awkward to write] “Ritual De Lo Habitual”) with my adoption of compact discs. My sister Erin had just gone to college and left her CD player (along with receiver, record player, tape player, etc.) at home. This meant I sat around for two years and listened to these same three albums in my sister’s old room. It was a simpler time then.

Descendents – Somery
I know digging the “Greatest Hits” collection is a bit of a posuer move, but fuck it. Since they had “reunion” albums, it makes loving this a bit more acceptable. Sure, it doesn’t contain “Iceman” or “Days Are Blood”, but it still rules. It tickled me right where I needed it in the most angsty, awkward part of my life — and by a band that everyone hadn’t already heard of. Not that this matters, but there’s a certain thing inside of you when you’re a youngin’ that makes you want to have a band all to yourself. Isn’t “Cameage” basically a metal song?

Dinosaur Jr. – Where You Been
Erin (the friend, not the sister) and I listened to this a lot in our pursuit to have a drink in every hick bar in a 500 mile radius. I think I learned how to drive a manual at about 5 AM on a country road (I think it was Richmond, MN) to this. Sometimes you achieve this sort of zen enlightenment when you’re seriously sleep deprived and at that point stick shift automobiles and Dinosaur Jr. made sense. Is that a metaphor for life? I don’t know, but this is why Erin and this album rule.

QUESTION: Is it possible that J. Mascis is just shredding the fuck out of his guitar atop a desert bluff at this very moment in time?
ANSWER: All signs point to yes.

Guns ‘N Roses – Appetite For Destruction
I played so much Nintendo, ate so many marshmallows and listened to this album over one summer. This could be why I’m such a nerd, was a little chubby at one point in my life and totally love G’nR.

Jets to Brazil – Orange Rhyming Dictionary
You mean Blake Schwarzenbach’s new band is even more literary, has wah peddles and has altogether put together an album every bit as good as “24 Hour Revenge Therapy”? I wouldn’t have believed you if you had told me that in 2000. But it was true. There’s just so much contained in this album. As Mitch said, “He can write a song about suicide and make it seem beautiful.” (see: “Conrad”) And he wasn’t wrong. Even the Randy Newman cover album they did after this couldn’t top it.

The Clash – London Calling
Mitch and Stephanie and myself used to drive out to Krispy Kreme and listen to this all the time back in the day. The result of the quest was uninteresting to me (no doughnuts for the vegans, yo), but it didn’t make the voyage any less fantastic. To the uncultured outsider, this seems like an uninteresting time, but for me it marked the most content times I’ve had in life.

Less Than Jake – Pezcore
Ever sit around in a crowded, hot (because it was really hot out AND the heat was on) car and sing along to songs with your friends? Probably. But I think the additional heat adds to the slightly surreal feel of things. Just listen to “My Own Flag” and try to resist. I liked these guys better as a punk band, really….

Faith No More – The Real Thing
Holy shit, I just listened the shit out of this album. Thus, my appreciation for Mike Patton. Oddly enough, I could even appreciate the other FNM stuff after this — effortlessly. I remember needing to go to my sister Erin to see if she could obtain me other recordings (I was unable to obtain my own music at this time). Camping and Faith No More were synonymous with one another at this point in my life. I still have the tape, too.

Ted Leo/Pharmacists – Hearts of Oak
I sat around and drank a lot of mini kegs to T-Lo. It gave me appreciation for falsetto, Thin Lizzy and “lighter” (a term that I would disagree with now) rock music in general. About every morning at about 2AM, Rudolph’s BBQ (which I lived right next to) would pour all of their glass thrash into a dumpster for about 15 minutes straight and this, my friends, was a reminder that I had to work in the morning. But it didn’t make the night any less sweet.

Refused – The Shape of Punk to Come
I listened to this when I was about 15 years old and didn’t get it. Then I picked it up when I was 21 and holy shit it was the truth! Odd note: there’s a lot of mistaken lines in this album, along with what I would call “Miami Vice guitar riffs”. However, that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t totally rule and is something that hardcore may never recapture again. Strings, screaming, drum machines and hardcore punk? Somehow it works.

Nine Inch Nails – Pretty Hate Machine
I didn’t know what the hell this was when I picked it up, but I was sold in first listen. Vulgar, synthy and aggressive rock music?! I thought it was some sort of strange ambrosia/mana hybrid from the gods. And hell, now I can say I was into NIN before everyone else. Mega cred points, yo.

UPDATE: I’ve corrected a few minor grammatical errors. Those of you that know me know that I am a little sloppy when it comes to my writing. It’s because I can type faster than I can think. Wrap your head about that.

Also, I’ll be doing some more — regardless of whether or not people like this (I’m not saying they don’t, I’m just saying that it’s fun for me to do this). I’ve left out a few stories that close friends and general hangers-on might enjoy.

Whether or not you like Kanye West, you gotta give the man some credit for giving us hope that we’ll never hear from 50 Cent ever again.

I don’t buy a lot of new music anymore (I mainly buy old records for the record) but I’ll buy the new Kanye West album and well, it’s a bonus that I don’t need to hear another “Candy Shop”.

As an old man would say “50 Cent, more like ‘Shitty Cent!’”.

Har har.

A one-act play

Patrick: You know, if I have a notebook, I never have a place to store it.
Mitch: Don’t know what to tell you man.
Patrick:…because if I put it in my front shirt pocket, it makes my nipple hurt.
Mitch: I don’t think you’re supposed to use it.
Patrick: My nipple?!
Mitch: No, the shirt pocket.
Patrick: Oh….

So you know how stupid people make a big fuss about the “secularization of Christmas”? Apparently “Happy Holidays” is not a nice enough greeting — we must constantly remind the person we are saying it to that it is, in fact, the time of the year we celebrate Christmas. Never mind that scholars date Jesus’ birth way outside the “Christmas Season”.

Well, we have that whole can of worms and I suggest we turn this can of worms into a double-wide.

You know what steams me up? When people call that greatest holiday of them all, Independence Day, The 4th of July. Have we forgotten the meaning of this day? Pretty soon our kids won’t even know what we’re celebrating! Pretty soon the world will have no recollection of rich drunk white men that didn’t like paying taxes!

I say we call up Bill O’Reilly and make a big stink about this. I think we can make quite a controversy out of this. You heard it here first.

Sometimes you need to wipe the slate clean in your life.

Sometimes you need a new beginning for things.

Our minds and lives have a tendency to collect and categorize things. There are these people out there that can live in a messy place, decide to move on, and then just throw out their entire life and skip town. Or so I’m told. It’s tough to tell if any of your friends are this way under the scrutiny of close inspection. Sometimes you need to step back from your life and others’ lives to gain any perspective and for your eyes to focus.

Stepping away from writing and reading avidly for the last couple years has allowed me to do that. There’s all sorts of mantras and clichés to put this in perspective, but I’ll spare you those.

More than anything, what’s changed is my audience. I have no audience to speak of as far as peers go. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but friends by and large are not the audience for my “art.” There are rare occasions, but just like our own vision blurs when looking at our own life closely, it also blurs when looking at others’. Arguments turn our vision red when in close and those disagreements seem petty and pointed far away. It’s funny how embarrassed we are or how unrelenting we can be about backing down up close but it’s easy to look back and laugh — forfeit those arguments. We blame our age, our depression, our drunken stupor, our genetics but rarely ourselves. Political history doesn’t move in a straight line and neither does our own history. There are ups and downs, triumphs and failures, Bushes and Carters. It’s not always inexperience, sometimes it’s just having too much ambition or too much pride to back down and step away from the situation when it’s really the most rational thing to do.

Artists always have audience problems. It’s not the right people or people misinterpret what’s being said or enemies or acquaintances take the expression as attacks against who they are. So it’s sometimes better friends take no interest in their art. And hell, sometimes it just isn’t that interesting who’s there every step of the creative process (which is sometimes just living life for certain people).

Art doesn’t need to be a painting or writing or music, though. We’re all good at certain things and there is an art to that. Whether it’s fixing cars or cooking or listening, it’s art nevertheless. It’s not that we take these things for granted, it’s just that friends don’t pay that close of attention to academic pursuits in neighboring lives.

That’s the good thing about good friends that observe your art. They might still check it out even if your last year of writing was total garbage. Observing the highlight reel makes it seem like it’s been a bright year.